


This Means War

by tekuates



Category: Marvel Avengers Movies Universe, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-12
Updated: 2012-08-12
Packaged: 2017-11-11 23:13:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/483952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tekuates/pseuds/tekuates
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony accidentally starts a practical joke war; mayhem ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Means War

It all starts when Tony doesn’t get coffee. He tells them and tells them that he needs coffee to function, make important decisions, form words, all that good stuff. But Pepper starts throwing words around like _high blood pressure_ and _cardiac arrest_ and gives him sad eyes, and, well, he just can’t say no to her sad eyes.

Hence, no coffee. Hence, Tony’s ability to judge the insanity of his actions doesn't so much exist.

Which is probably why he replaced Clint’s shampoo with maple syrup.

In his defense, it wasn’t _meant_ to be a prank. He’d needed some shampoo, apparently just water couldn’t get you clean, or so Natasha said and she probably knew because she knows everything. So he’d stolen Clint’s. Tony had fully intended to get him some more, but in the meantime he replaced it with the most similar bottle he could find, which happened to be maple syrup. Which, okay, was a monumentally stupid idea, but there were _reasons_. Such as caffeine deprivation.

The next morning, at breakfast, Clint walks into the breakfast area with a look of what can only be described as homicidal rage on his face, which is fairly normal, so Tony, in his tired haze ( _no coffee)_ isn’t really been paying attention – that is, until Clint climbs on the table and declares war against them all.

"And," Clint says in a cheerful voice, "When I find out who pranked me this morning, they will pay. Possibly with their life, I haven't decided." And he steps off the table, make a huge thud - which he totally could have avoided, he is a super secret agent and he can be quiet, he just chooses not to because he's a  _jerk -_ snags a bagel off the counter and leaves the room.

There's complete silence for a moment.

“What,” Tony says, “what is happening. Someone help, I am not equipped to understand things like this at this time of day.”

“Someone put syrup in place of Clint’s shampoo. He’s taken it as an insult and declared a practical joke war on us all,” Steve explains, his eyebrows disapproving.

Tony suddenly feels very, very awake. And sort of terrified, because Clint is scary, okay, especially that time he had to wake Tony up for a meeting and crawled in through the vents and stood beside Tony’s bed looming over him and sort of rasped his name so Tony woke up thinking that, like, the _devil_ was in his room - 

"Okay, but," Tony scrambles for some way to get out of this, "there are five of us, and he can't beat us all, it's not like we're  _all_ fighting each other - " He stops, because Bruce is giving him an appraising look. "No.  _No._ I refuse to be a part of this, I am an adult, an educated adult, I do not take part in prank wars."

"Really," Bruce says. "Then this should be over quickly. You know, after you lose."

" _I will not lose, you little_ \- " Tony says in chilling tones, then, "No, I mean, I'm not participating in this. No."

Bruce just raises an eyebrow and Tony gives in to the inevitable conclusion of this conversation, and starts thinking of ways to destroy them all. 

About a minute later, it occurs to him - he's sitting at the table with two other Avengers, and Thor was sprawled over the couch in the next room last he checked, and he's kind out out in the open here. If he's picturing the next few hours correctly, he should probably get to a home base or something.

“I have to go, I have a thing I have to do, involving other things," Tony says, and then thinks, _screw it_ , and begins backing away from the table. Bruce smiles at him in a way that's honestly quite disconcerting. 

Tony turns and flees. Clint's probably on the roof, he likes to plan there, and Natasha - 

Huh. Where is Natasha?

Tony quickly abandons that very scary line of thought, and hightails it down to his lab. _At least Thor is still sleeping_ , he thinks, then punches in the passcode and heads inside.

A bucket pivots above him; he’s just caught the motion and looked up when a few gallons of ice cold water fall on him.

“ _How_ ,” he mutters, wringing out his clothes, “this lab is protected with all kinds of security, just _how._ ”

 

* * *

 

The next day, someone steals all of Thor’s clothes. Thor seems not at all concerned, and wanders around completely nude. Tony’s not complaining.

The only strange thing is that no one will admit to stealing them. Soon that conundrum is solved by the arrival of a package containing a large amount of women’s lingerie and a note signed _Loki_.

The next day, photos of Thor in black lace are all over the news. 

"The worrying thing is," Bruce says at dinner, a temporary truce having been declared for the purposes of pizza, "how did Loki even know we were having a prank war?"

"Maybe it's a coincidence," Steve says, in a way that suggests he doesn't believe that at all, but would really like to. 

"Maybe he just sends Thor lingerie all the time and we never knew about it before," Tony says. "I mean, even Loki, twisted as he is, can appreciate the sight of Thor in panties."

"They are  _brothers_ ," Steve says in a horrified way.

Tony waves his slice of pizza dismissively. "Loki's adopted, it's fine."

Steve chokes a little bit as Thor wanders through in a sheer nightgown, and gives Tony the kind of glare he usually reserves for malfunctioning technology. 

Which is kind of mean. This one isn't even directly Tony's  _fault_.

 

* * *

 

The polished reporter smiles at the camera. “Here we are with Captain America, in the newly built Avengers Tower. Captain, what can you tell us about living in the tower?” 

“Well, it’s been great. I love spending time with the other Avengers and – eugh!” He lifts a hand off the doorknobs like it’s been burned. “It’s covered in soap again! Bruce, you jerk, I have an interview!”

Laughter drifts in through the air vents. The reporter looks around nervously. Suddenly, Natasha and Bruce burst into the room, each carrying a veritable arsenal of water balloons.

“Guys, no, I'm in the middle of – are those full of _paint?"_

 

* * *

 

“ _Tony!”_

“Jeez, Cap, calm down. This prototype’s sensitive, if I mess up it’ll be problematic.”

“Tony.”

“Captain.”

“You.”

“Me?”

“You _dyed all my clothes._ ”

“Now that hurts, Cap. Why would you jump to the conclusion that I did it?”

“They’re all red and gold, Tony _._ ”

"Again with the conclusion-jumping. Lots of people like red and gold, like, uh, Gryffindors, and, um - "

" _Tony."_

“You should really calm down. I know you’re all super soldier and stuff, but this much hostility can’t be good for you. Just accept your defeat and you’ll feel much better – hey, what are you doing, no, no, that is so incorrect, this is a prototype Steve, don’t –"

 

* * *

 

“You know,” Steve says pensively, “even though that resulted in an explosion that leveled part of the building, I still feel it was worth it.”

“You are a truly horrifying individual, Steve,” Clint says. "And I mean that as a compliment, I do. And I want a lock on the door to my room."

Thor chuckles and pats Steve on the back. “Aye, he is a true warrior!”

“So where’s Tony now?” Natasha asks.

Steve shrugs. “Last I saw him, he was running away cackling and declaring revenge.”

“Huh,” Bruce muses. “But no one’s seen him for two hours? That doesn't sound good."

"He couldn't do anything  _that_ bad in just two hours," says Clint.

"Why would you say that," Natasha says, "you know something terrible is going to happen now."

Bruce sits bolt upright. "Did you guys - "

"Ow!" Thor says, as something hits him in the face.

"Was that a  _pretzel_?" Natasha asks. They all realize at the same time, and look towards the kitchen.

"Oh, god," Bruce says.

Clint grins. "Excellent," he says. Then he yells," _Food fight!"_ and launches himself towards the kitchen.

They all follow, and it quickly turns into mayhem. Clint and Natasha are back-to-back, tossing whatever is at hand with deadly accuracy. Thor is just laughing and pouring orange juice on everyone. Tony just slumps against the counter, hoping no one will notice that he's rummaging through the cabinet behind him.

Natasha has now somehow fashioned a slingshot, and is shooting bits of Twinkie into Thor's hair. Tony swears, the woman could turn cotton candy and kittens into a rocket launcher if she felt like it. He finally grabs the bag he needs, and without further ado pulls it out and dumps it onto the floor.

The industrial-size bag of popcorn kernels spills out onto the floor, and suddenly everyone is on the ground. Except Bruce, somehow, who's doing something furtive with something on the counter.

Tony has a very bad feeling about whatever it is.

"Bruce, what're - "

Before he finishes, the blender turns on, and food sprays everywhere. Steve deflects some of it with his shield - when did he get that, Tony wonders - in Bruce's general direction. 

Finally Natasha gets past Bruce, and it turns off.

" _Banner_ ," she says. "You are going  _down_."

A door opens, and they all look away from what's certain to become the showdown of the century.

It's Coulson.

“Director Fury sent me with a  _good God what are you all doing_ – “

He’s cut off as they all leap towards him with war cries.

 

* * *

 

When they all get out of the SHIELD holding cells, Tony finds a new coffee machine in the kitchen with a card next to it, signed by all the Avengers.

**Author's Note:**

> I originally wrote this for a friend's birthday, because I am a cheapskate and prefer to write crack instead of spend money on actual presents. Anyway, I wrote it pretty quickly, and planned to edit it. Now I finally have, and it only took two years for me to actually do it. Yay!


End file.
